Vampire Stupidity
by FloccinaucinihilipilificationB
Summary: This doesn't really have any of the actual Twilight characters in it or anything...it's just kind of a joke story. My take on the whole "vampire experience," if I may call it that. Very stupid, very pointless, but lots of fun to write : .


Pain.

Absolutely nothing but pain.

It filled every crevice and crack of the world as I knew it. An inextinguishable fire consumed me, eating at every ounce of my being. It rampaged through me, bright red as burning coals.

Relentless.

Mind numbing.

Unbearable.

I barely noticed the dirt lodging itself under my nails as I dug my fingers into the soft earth repeatedly, silently begging it to stop, come to a halt, burn itself out...

Something.

_Anything_.

Days, hours, or maybe even minutes passed; I had no clue. It was quite a strange sensation - I was aware of nothing and everything at the same time. Sure, I could suddenly sense each of the billion eukaryotic cells making up each of the 5,246 blades of grass laying beneath me, but it didn't really register.

Until the pain stopped.

Nearly shaking in fear that it would come back, I gingerly lifted myself onto my elbows and opened my eyes.

I gasped.

Everything was clear. I could see...more than ever before. Each well-worn knot and whorl of the surrounding old oak trees were now clearly defined. I could see dew drops glimmering on the leaves, which were colored a clear, bright green that I'd never seen before. I realized, all in a second, that every tiny piece of everything had its own unique pattern, though few people would ever realize it.

"Freaky or what?" I jumped at the sound of a high clear voice. reminding me of the soft notes of a flute. "It's kind of like when my family switched from Dish Network to Direct TV. Only...better."

Startled, I leaped up, turning to face...Sarah?

No, it couldn't be. She looked so different. Everything about her was more...precise, but not in the sense of my improved vision. Her skin was flawless, appearing to be pale and delicate but radiating energy all the same. I glanced at her face, still soft but somewhat more angular. The place where her freckles were supposed to be glared at me, even more so than her eyes - large black pupils surrounded by an ever-distinct ring of red. The only thing that struck me the same was her hair, like lava tumbling down her back.

"We're...you're...am I?" I looked at my own pale hands, searching for a trace of color.

"Yes, you are."

"_Holy fudgeballs_." I ran back and forth, shocked and unbelieving. "How the heck...what do you mean...I'm not mature enough for this!" I shrieked, followed by the echoing sounds of birds hurrying away.

"Really, now?"

"Of course not! Who ever is?" I continued to pace, but I realized it was really more like...flitting than walking. One second I was here, one second I was there. Was this really happening?

"No one. Aw, c'mon. Take it like a man."

"I'm not a man, I'm a freaking vampire." I spat out the word as though it were the most vile thing on the earth. "How did this happen?"

"Remember the party?" She asked, twirling a strand of red around her finger.

"Yeah. It's kind of foggy, but I remember." I finally paused.

"Remember what happened _after_ the party?"

"Would I be asking if I did? All I really remember is..." I closed my eyes. "That we left the party and went somewhere afterwards...oh, and we met this dude that looked like Robert Patinson..." All of a sudden, I felt something click. "Holy crap, did we meet _Edward Cullen_?"

"Geeze, don't choke on your venom." She rolled her eyes. "And no, that was not Edward, it was some hobo in the Walmart parking lot. Not too bad of a guess, though."

"So what happened?"

"The dude was all like, 'hey, have a free venom injection straight to the heart,' and I was all like, 'lol Breaking Dawn.' By this point, I think you'd fallen asleep in the car."

"Okay..."

"So, I played along for a while, and then he actually pulled out this long-ass needle, and I was like, 'the hell?'" Sarah shook her head. "That's where it all went black."

"Okay, let me get this straight. You took an injection of some foreign substance from a hobo at Walmart?"

"Well, he said..."

"And then let him do the same to me?"

"No way. He did that without asking me. Well...my writhing in pain on the pavement might have given a mixed signal, but you know what I mean..."

"Honestly." I paused. "That's so...disgusting! Are you serious! Who could've...what he could have...AN INJECTION FROM A HOBO?"

Sarah shrank back. "Who really cares about blood-borne pathogens when you're immortal?"

For a while, I didn't say anything. "Sarah, I swear, you make me so incredibly, flippin' angry..."

Silence. And then I cracked a smile. "You are the best friend in the entire world! Only you, only you..."

"And now we're vampires!"

I shrieked, giving her a quick hug, and then began to practically fly. "As if you could outrun me!" I hollered behind me.

And then, all of a sudden, I heard a whoosh behind me and whirled around, quick enough to see one of the oaks I'd seen earlier fly past me. "As if you could fight me off!" I heard in the distance.

"Man, I feel so cool right now." I cried, hurrying to her again. And then, I slowed as the light adjusted; the ominous, dark clouds parting to reveal the tiniest rays of light. One fell right in front of me to rest on Sarah's face. "Oh shit."

"What is it?" Her grin glimmered, making the term "pearly whites" seem like an understatement. But that, I admit, was nothing compared to her skin, glittering and shining like nothing I'd ever seen. I was as though millions of the tiniest diamonds were embedded in her skin, each beaming light in different directions. It was beautiful, stunning; nothing I'd picture on a monster...

Wait. Where had I heard this before?

"You...no. This can't be." I stepped into the ray with her, and her mouth fell open. "We sparkle."

"No. Get out...I'm a sparkly vampire?"

"Yes, indeed you are."

Both of our mouths twisted with distaste. "Geeze, I thought I would at least be cool..."

"Sparkling? What the hell is that?"

"You positively can't be serious."

"This is disgusting."

"I feel like a freaking jar of craft glitter."

"We're supposed to be these big, bad predators and then...pow!...we turn on the shine."

"It's like a commercial for a stupid breath mint."

"Worse than that." I plopped down on a boulder, barely noticing when a crack ran up its middle. "This totally ruins everything."

"Ditto." Sarah said, and began to run.

It was almost effortless to catch up with her. "Where are you going?"

"Italy."

"Why the..." I trailed off, suddenly understanding. "Volturi."

"Shining? It's not worth it." Sarah sighed.

"It really isn't."

"So not cool."

"Absolutely not."

"Sparkly vampires."

"Psssssh."

"Who even came up with that, anyway?"


End file.
